Professor Sugihara sat in his office in the center of Area 51 across from the four-star general. He said, "It's official. According to my calculations, the space-time continuum surrounding the town of Smallville is distorted into the shape of a pretzel, much like Sunnydale, Tokyo and San Francisco. That means a lot of nonsensical and inexplicable events occur with frightening frequency."

"What does that mean for our military industrial complex?" said the general.

"You mustn't station a large number of our troops anywhere near there. God knows what will happen to the soldiers. I also suggest that you not send any of your investigators there, at least not any that you would actually mind losing."

"But what about the civilian population?"

He shrugged helplessly. "They're screwed."

It was nearly midnight when Lana Lang was running away from her weekly stalker mutant when she fell into a lead-lined well. Luckily, the well was half-filled with compost and other waste so it broke her fall, leaving her unhurt but unconscious. Unfortunately for her, it was glowing a little . . . green.

Meanwhile, several hundred meters away, the cook, the gardener and Enrique were in Hazmat suits, pushing three wheelbarrows of glowing compost. "Why can't you do this by yourself?" said the cook.

"I'm afraid of the stuff, especially after two of the high school students we paid to get rid of it developed pink rabbit ears, bat wings and mutton chops. I'm just glad that the boss got us these suits," said the gardener.

"Why, why did I leave Metropolis and agree to work for Lex Luthor?" moaned the cook. "I didn't sign up for toxic waste disposal!"

"It's because you want to lick Master's head as much as I do," said Enrique.

"Bite me, Enrique!"

Enrique sniffs, "I only bite things that are sweet. You're such the cradle robber. After all, you're twice his age."

"I'm not twice his age! My entire family has problems with going prematurely gray. You act as if I'm already dead!" The cook managed to flip Enrique the bird while still wearing the suit. "Guys, be quiet!" said the gardener. "Oh, look, someone left the top off the hazardous waste dumping pit. Geez, how sloppy!" He dumps his wheelbarrow load in.

The waste dumping wakes Lana up and she starts to yell. "HEY!"

"GYAHHHH!" screams Enrique. "It's alive!" The cook and Enrique hurriedly dump their own loads down as quickly as they can before hastily shoving the lid back on.

"NO, I FELL DOWN HERE!" screams Lana. But it's too late as the gardener and the cook began locking the lid back on.

"Fuck! Fuck!" the servants scream. "That was too close!"

After a few minutes, she realized that she was royally, royally screwed and not in a good fairy princess way either. The entire compost begins to emanate a menacing green fog.

"Everybody must suffer," she whispers as the fog floats towards the top and begins to seep into the air surrounding Smallville.

Later the next day

At the Talon, Enrique, the cook and the gardener were drinking coffee. "I could make better coffee at home. Why are we here?" said the cook, spitting the coffee back into her cup.

"There's a certain blond athlete I'm interested in," sighs Enrique. "And there he is." They all glance at Whitney sitting by his lonesome. "But also I wanted to talk about the weird little funk Master is in. Clark wants to hear the 'love' word from Lex, but Lex doesn't want to use the word since he is very much like a hedgehog, all the prickles on the outside protecting his soft little belly." Enrique sniffled in sympathy.

"Gah, that's what I hate about beautiful people. They just don't accept good hot loving!" snapped the cook. "It always has to have sprinkles and whip cream on top."

"Mmmmm, Clark and Lex with sprinkles and whip cream."

Whitney was drinking coffee when he saw Clark walk in. Clark sat down by himself at an another table. He walked over and said, "Hi, Clark, are you waiting for someone?"

"Well, actually, I was wanting to talk to Lex but . . ."

Lex, it's always Lex, he thought. Well, he does talk a bit about Lana . . . but it's never me he's waiting for! How I'd like to tell him how I feel? But there doesn't seem to be any way for me to do this without totally losing my dignity.

While Whitney's rational mind was blabbing away to itself, Whitney jumps up on Clark's table and begins singing while swiveling his hips. Strangely, the appropriate music seems to come from nowhere.

"I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

He grabs his shirt and pulls at the chest. It comes right off like some trick shirt a stripper would wear. He showers the pieces over Clark. By this time, ANYBODY would be blushing . . . and tenting their pants.

"I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

Lex walks in the door and sees Whitney struts his stuff. An amused look crossed Lex's face; he had seen much better dancing in Metropolis. But then he noticed whose table Whitney was dancing on, and his mouth went into a straight line. Note to self, thought Lex, after Whitney finishes dancing, scold Clark and make Whitney conveniently "disappear."

"You're the one who makes me happy honey You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing I want to make you mine

Whitney then does the same trick with his super tight jeans. Several smiling women and men cheer and pull out dollar bills, ready to put them into his thong underwear. His hands began to move over his tight abdomen, the fine curves of his butt, his thighs in enticing circles. He arches his back and shakes his full head of hair. Football did something good for once.

"I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you

"I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

"OH, NO!" Whitney finally comes to his senses and turns red. Oh, shit, I need to leave Smallville and never come back, he thought. And I've just revealed that I wear sky blue thong underwear.

Enrique, his loins inflamed by lust, jumps up on his table and peels off his shirt. Strangely, the cook and the gardener feel compelled to jump up on a pair of nearby tables and start moving like go-go dancers. They shimmy and shake like professionals despite the fact they're still wearing their regular work clothes. Enrique starts gyrating his hips and starts singing with the two backing up and the strange music coming out of nowhere:

"Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me

"I've had a few little love affairs
They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce I used to think that was sensible
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible 'Cause everything is new
And everything is you
And all I've learned has overturned
What can I do...

"Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me"

Whitney forgets his embarrassment and near-nudity, and starts to eye-fuck with Enrique, much to the amazement of the customers. Enrique then jumps off the table and runs over to Clark's table. Whitney jumps into his arms. It looks like a scene from "An Officer and a Gentleman" as Enrique carries Whitney to his BMW motorcycle with a side cart so they can go to a nice seedy motel outside the town limits.

Suddenly the cook screams, "AAAAAUGGGHHH! I sang an ABBA song." The gardener was in a fetal position on his table.

Lex rushes over to Clark's table and says, "Clark, why was Whitney waving his schlong in your face?"

"Lex, I really don't know what that was about," said Clark, his lower lip shaking. "You've got to believe me. Lex, come back!"

Meanwhile, Jonathan stood in the middle of his barn. "Where did I leave my tools?" "I've got your tool right here," said a familiar and evil voice.

Jonathan turned to see El Diablo a.k.a. Lionel Luther standing at the entrance of the barn. "What are you doing here?"

"Instead of caressing some farm equipment, I've got something else for you to play with," said Lionel. Then he began singing,

"Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so hot, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

Jonathan opens his mouth to issue either a platitude or a threat but this comes out instead:

"Lionel Luther, I think you have lost your mind If you keep standing there, I will kick your behind You are really pushing me
I wish I understood
How you could leave after you fucked me on the hood

"So when he's near me, Martha can't you hear me S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me S. O. S.

Martha Kent comes to the rescue with a shotgun. "Get away from my man! Go and bother someone else, like Nell!"

Lionel glares at her and says, "You wouldn't dare kill me."

"I'm not aiming to kill, Mr. Luther." Martha aims quite a bit lower than his chest.

Lionel raises both his hands and says, "I believe I will follow your suggestion." He walks as slowly as he can to keep some dignity but quickly enough not to try her patience.

"Martha, I really don't have any idea what he's talking about," said Bo, er, Jonathan desperately.

"I know, honey. You're just too pretty for your own good," said Martha, her brain safely in the land of denial. "And let us never speak about this again."

"Lex, I swear he just jumped up on the table. Your cook, your gardener and everybody there will back me up," pleaded Clark.

"It's true, boss. He just lost his nut and began shaking his bon-bons like a freak in heat at Clark. Besides, he ran off with Enrique, so it's all good," stated the gardener.

Lex wants to say something scathing, but then he sees the hurt puppy dog expression on Clark's face and realizes that it would be pointless and perhaps a little sadistic. He wants to say something that will smooth things over and shows Clark how he feels. Suddenly, music comes in from nowhere and he feels the urge to sing. Everybody else looks around to see where the music is coming from but they can't identify the source. He stands up from his desk, then stands in front of Clark and sings,

"Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

"In my life there's been heartache and pain I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

"I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Clark loses his pout and his eyes shine in appreciation of Lex using the L-word.

"I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

"In my life there's been heartache and pain I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

The entire Lex entourage walks in from various parts of the house and begins to sing the chorus so Lex can concentrate on the business of wrapping his arms around Clark's waist and putting his lips on Clark's.

"I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is And I know, I know you can show me

Let's talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside I want you to show me, and I'm feeling so much love I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide I know you can show me, yeah

The song fades away and a new song begins to play. Clark tightens his arms around Lex so he couldn't get away and began singing softly in his ear,

"Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars

"In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me

"Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

"In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

After he finished the song, Clark goes back to kissing Lex. When the servants notice that Clark's and Lex's hands were starting to roam below the belt, they discreetly leave before things get hot and horizontal.

The staff headed towards the lounge with the giant flat-screen TV and the communal refrigerator. Once everybody flops into their own special chair, the gardener began handing out bottles of beer. "This has been too weird. I want to watch a movie."

"What movie?"

"The Ring."

"Ugh, like we don't get enough horror as it is."

"Well, today was musical horror so I miss regular horror. Put the videotape in."

"Make sure you don't accidentally play the security videotape of Lex's office. That was too much information for me."

"Speak for yourself. That's my favorite tape."

The maid put the videotape into the VCR.

There was snow then there was the image of a very angry and dirty Lana Lang glaring at them. "Why didn't any of you morons help me?"

"Wow, this is really convincing," said the laundry woman.

"It looks like she's crawling out of the TV."

"SHE IS!" All the staff members scoot back, partly out of fear but also because of the smell.

The cook yells, "Everybody get into their Hazmat suits!" She runs out of the room then comes back in with a rifle and fires.

There's a tranquilizer dart in Lana's thigh. "Oh, my God," she said, then keels over.

Everybody suddenly claps. "Good shot. What did you shoot her with?" said the gardener.

"Animal tranquilizer. Mind you, it's for an animal three times her size. She's not going to wake up for a long, long time. Gee, I hope she actually wakes up."

"What do we do now?" said the maid.

"Well, we wrap her up in one of Lex's straight jackets he keeps in the dungeon," said the laundry woman. "Then we should call the lab to pick her up."

Which is what they did. However, she was released after a couple months of decontamination and treatment, so indeed everyone continued to suffer.

The End

This story is a weird blend of the Japanese version of "The Ring," "Mamma Mia" the musical by ABBA, " "Gosford Park," and "Smallville" with a head nod to "Buffy." Lyrics and songs have been truncated to fit the story. I don't own Smallville or Superman because if I did own them, there would be a lot more romantic comedy between the men on the series.

The song sung by Whitney is "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls The song sung by Enrique is "Lay All Your Love On Me" by ABBA The song sung & messed with by Jonathan and Lionel is "S.O.S." by ABBA The song sung by Lex is "I want to know what love is" by Foreigner The song sung by Clark is "Fly Me to the Moon" by Frank Sinatra

What is the moral of this story?

1. author has atrocious taste
2. Whitney's eventual destiny is to be a Chippendale dancer
3. Clark and Lex with whip cream and sprinkles. . . mmmmm
4. The space-time continuum around Smallville is indeed kinky and knotted
5. All of the above