"He lied to me, that Magnificent Bastard," wept Dominic into his pillow.

"There, there, my Dommy," said Enrique as he caressed Dominic's naked back. "Let Enrique and unnamed Asian American manservant make it all better."

"My name is Phil, by the way," said the previously unnamed manservant who was Lionel's seeing-eye man. He was also naked.

"Need some Red Bull energy drink for this orgy?' said the maid from the closed door.

"If you would be so kind," said Enrique.

She dropped off six bottles before closing the door and leaving the three men to their frenzy of the flesh.

Martha lifted the lid as if dubious to the contents. She gasped when she saw what it was. Inside was a costume that looked like a Diana Riggs' Avenger bodysuit.

"Oh, my God."

"Think of it as a Whitman Sampler." Emphasis on sample, thought Lionel.

"Hey, you stole the costume we were making for her!" yelled the maid and the laundry woman.

"I'm sorry. I must have taken the wrong box by mistake."

"The box was stored under my bed!" screamed the laundry woman.

After cleaning up the very last bit of the aftermath of Lionel's unintentional swan dive, the staff met in their lounge, which they had recently swept for bugs and other annoyances. "A year has passed since we all arrived at Smutville, er, Smallville," said the cook. "Let's look in the staff suggestion box." Everybody drank cocoa with real whipped cream.

She pulled out a note and read the note before raising an eyebrow. "This isn't signed. Gee, I wonder why. `Let's kill the Big Giant Beautiful Dick Head so Master will seek comfort in the arms of his manservant and be tenderly taken care of as he so rightfully deserves."

Everybody stared at Enrique. "Homicidal, much?" said the laundry woman.

The cook clucked her tongue. "We ARE NOT killing flannel boy. There are several reasons why this wouldn't work even if we wanted to."

"1. It will make the Boss sad, mad and destructive. He already is but let's not encourage those tendencies." "2. Murder is bad, illegal and should only be used to punish someone like El Diablo. Also you have to succeed!" "3. We don't want to lose our jobs."
"4. The townspeople will come with pitchforks and torches to kill us all." "5. Flannel Boy could eye-gasm us to death before we lay a hand on him." "6. Last but not least, Enrique+Ethan+Bubba in prison cell = one unhappy Enrique."

"Why is everybody looking at me!" yelled Enrique. "I didn't write that. I've been framed!"

Meanwhile, Dominic was giggling while taking a bubble bath.

"Now does anybody have anything useful and noteworthy to mention?" said the cook.

"How can El Diablo survive all that? I'd be dead," stated the maid. "He really must be a demon."

"Hmm, let's check the Necronomicon under listings for demons."

After the maid came back with it, they opened the thick, ornately decorated book and found a picture of Lionel Luther with the caption:

"His Satanic Majesty is the lion of all demons. He is known for his magnificent mane and his long and equally magnificent . . . tail. He is a demon whose main weapon is his evil tongue to tempt wayward sinners," read the cook.

Enrique enthusiastically nodded at this. Everyone else stared at him.

"High level demon who is not to be toyed with by amateur magicians. To defeat this demon, one must shave his entire body, not just his head," said the cook. "Oh, yeah, like that'll be soooooooo easy."

"Keep reading," said the gardener.

"Enjoys feeding on any sign of pity and compassion and regurgitating it as bile. Has a weakness for redheads and own offspring. Oh, ewww!"

"Oh, my Lord," said the gardener. "A thought just occurred to me. If El Diablo really is El Diablo, then doesn't that make Lex the equivalent of Damien from The Omen?"

"Argh, he's doomed," wept the maid. The laundry woman also started to cry.

"No, we can't give up. There's still a chance. How about we give the old ouiji board a try?"

The ouiji board was brought out and everybody put their finger on the pointer.

"Okay, what do we ask it and who do we call upon?"

"Let us call upon the spirit of Lillian Luthor."

"She might not approve of Clark and Boss Supremo together."

"Still, I'm sure she means the boss well."

"Ok, what do we ask her?"

"We ask her what we should do, of course. Any advice would be welcome at this point."

"We call upon the spirit of Lillian Luthor. What do you advise we do?"

The pointer moved quickly. "L." "A." "N." "A."

"I really don't want to do Lana," whimpered Enrique. "Why is it always about her?"

"Wait, a minute, the pointer is still moving."

"E." "V." "I." "L."

"Ok, so we get confirmation from the other side. Excellent," said the maid.

"Is she a demon?" said the laundry woman.

The pointer slid to "No."

"Is she a vessel for darker forces worse than El Diablo?"

"Yes."

"What kind of dark forces?"

"S." "P." "I." "R." "A." "L."

"Huh?" said the staff.

The gardener then said, "Spiral? That explains it, then."

"What do you mean?"

"Everything in the garden's been growing very strangely lately. I was going to show everyone at this meeting." He took his other hand and pulled out a small stack of pictures he had taken of the surrounding plant life, all spiraling in totally abnormal ways. "I know my plants. They're just not right."

The maid picked up the Necronomicon and flipped to the curses section. "Here we go. Spiral, also known as Vortex or Uzumaki. It has several incarnations. It can cause forces of nature to create spirals like tornados or cause plants to grow in such a fashion. It can also affect humans as well, causing unhealthy obsession or cause the person inflicted to somehow funnel attention unto themselves, whether deserved or not. It can cause people to repeat behaviors beyond the bounds of common sense. Time itself may become cyclic, instead of following the usual perception of time as an arrow going in one direction. The only cures for this are to move out of the affected area as soon as possible or exorcize whatever demon is causing it."

"Ah, so that's why Nell really moved away. All that repetition about her parents being smushed."

"Do you have any advice on how to defeat El Diablo?"

"No," said the pointer before it pointed to "Goodbye."

"I guess she still likes him," said Enrique.

"Well, let's try to get rid of both of them. We should split up into teams," said the cook.

After a lengthy session of rock, paper, scissors, the teams were determined. The laundry woman and the maid were given the assignment of trying to shave El Diablo while he was in the hospital room, unconscious. The cook, the gardener, and Enrique drew the task of trying to exorcize Lana. The rest were given the task of keeping an eye on the house, Dominic and Phil.

The laundry woman and the maid groaned but picked up some scissors and some safety razors and some shaving gel. For safety, they also wore crucifixes and carried flasks of holy water. Then they went out to drive to the hospital.

"Well, how do we exorcize Lana Lang?"

The gardener smiled and said, "I have a secret weapon. Several of them, in fact."

"What happened?"said the cook, expecting the worst.

"They got into the hospital room but it turns out that El Diablo radiates a force field around his hair. Also, their scissors bent in half. Luckily, he was unconscious at the time or something worse might have happened."

The cook let out so many expletives that if this were on regular TV, all the networks would have dubbed over her words for several minutes. There were even foreign bad words mixed in there like chupacabra, a Spanish word for "goat sucking demon," and scheisse, a German word for excrement.

"They'll be joining us in a few minutes."

"Fine," snapped the cook. "Now, what's this freaking weapon you have in the trunk?"

The gardener threw them super soaker water guns. "They're full of holy water." Then he lifted the tarp that was tied to the back of the truck and showed a whole bunch of boxes filled with blue Tynant bottles. "They're also full of holy water. I took all the discarded Tynant bottles from the recycling and got a priest to bless them."

"OK, you filled all the bottles that the son of El Diablo has obscenely sucked on with holy water."

"Yup."

"Ah, works for me. Now, everybody must put on their sunglasses."

"Why?"

"Because of the pink."

"Oh, yeah." They all snapped on their sunglasses.

Enrique knocked on the door. "Hello, anybody home?"

Chloe opened the door. "Ah, Enrique? Hi!"

The cook raised an eyebrow. "Have you been tasting of the unforbidden fruit, Enrique?"

"No, no, Chad formally introduced us," explained Enrique. "We were just wondering if Lana was here."

Chloe looked a little exasperated. "Yes, she is."

"Good, we're here to exorcize the evil out of her."

"Really, can I take pictures?"

"Sure, we need a witness and pictures so she doesn't sick her bio-dad lawyer on us," said the gardener.

"Oh, I like." Chloe looked happy in a guilty sort of way.

The gardener gave her a spare pair of sunglasses and said, "Two more people are coming, by the way. We're going to form a pentagram around her and if you don't mind, could you hand us the bottles of holy water as needed?"

"Oh, sure."

The maid and the laundry woman came driving up in the silver Camry. "It was such an utter failure," wept the maid.

"Never mind that. Put on your sunglasses and let's begin! Oh, and here's the incantation we have to chant!" said the cook, handing each of them a sheet of paper.

They turned to Chloe and said, "Um, could you get her outside. You see, we don't know what kind of things will happen and we don't want to destroy your furniture."

"Sure, I'll see what I can do." She went back into the house and yelled, "Lana, your fan club is waiting outside!"

Lana came rushing down the stairs and out the door. "Hi, wait, I don't recognize any of you guys."

They immediately formed a five pointed star around her and began chanting, "Leave the body of this no-so-innocent girl! The Power of Clex commands you! The Power of Clex compels you!" They then super soaked her with holy water, which would have increased ratings in the oh-so-powerful teen male demographic if this was televised.

Chloe whispered to Enrique, "Why this girl, it makes no sense."

"I think the point is to make us despair... To see homoeroticism as... animal and ugly... To reject the possibility that men could love each other. But those dark powers won't succeed!" whispered Enrique back.

Everybody jumped back and screamed when Lana's head did a 360 degree turn and pink goo spewed out of her mouth. Oh, yes, she also giggled in backwards English. She also tried to float away but the servants continually sprinkled her with the water from the Tynant bottles, which were supercharged with power since a magical being had played tonsil hockey with them. Chloe took as many pictures and videotapes as she possibly could.

Finally, Lana passed out and collapsed. A pointy headed demon who looked a lot like Barbie was seen briefly before disappearing.

"Does this mean it's all over?" said the gardener.

The maid picked up the Necronomicon. "Well, yeah for now. It's noted that this problem is more of a chronic problem rather than something that can be cured overnight."

"We only managed to defeat one demon," sighed Enrique. "And we're not sure it won't come back, you know, like next Tuesday."

"Well, that's better than most people can do. One demon at a time ain't bad. And the other demon is still incapacitated for the moment," said the maid.

The cook held a cold can of soda to her temple. Stress headaches were a bitch.

The End