The cook's diary

It had to happen. It was completely inevitable. A COW mutated this time. At least I think it's a cow because it looks like a cross between that monster from Alien & a New Jersey dairy cow. It's weird to see a cow with a scaly exoskeleton, fangs and green udders that shoots acid. Well, when that things came unto the estate, the rest of the staff and I were the only ones here to deal with it. After a short discussion and references to bad action movies, we came up with a plan.

We took one of the Boss' older cars, filled it up with containers of gasoline and had Enrique drive it within a hundred yards of the beast. After Enrique had run far enough away from the car, we turned on the car alarm by remote control. The lights and whoop-whoop noise enraged the critter and caused it to attack the car. Or maybe it was excited, it's hard to tell. The gardener and I took out our guns and aimed for the gas tank. One of the bullets reached its target. There was this huge fire ball and the creature screamed "MOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I had to pinch my nose and hold my breath because it smelled like bad barbecue with too much lighter fluid. I was so disgusted.

So, Enrique called the lab to pick up our latest find. The staff and I felt sorry for the monster but it didn't stop us from pumping it full of lead and shrapnel. I wonder what's going to happen next. Godzilla's coming out of the lake? Mothra flying overhead?

The gardener said it felt like a bad omen. Within seconds, my cell phone rang. The Boss had just called to say he's bringing home a very special guest, his brother. His brother? I'm beginning to wonder if the gardener's related to that boy who says he sees dead people.

I'm going to make a batch of strawberry margaritas for everyone. Then I'm going to hide in the kitchen for the rest of the day.

Lucas' Mental Notes

During that long drive to Smallville, I got a good look at my half-brother. It's a pity I'm related to Lex, he's quite tasty looking. He's like hot chile pepper jam, a sweetness that burns in your mouth and stays there for a long, long time. You know, I could make an exception . . . We're not full brothers after all.

But as for the farm boy, pfft! There's nothing special about him. Nothing. At. All. Bad clothes, bad hair and bad attitude. I don't see what Lex sees in him. Lex, I'm telling you, you shoot me down in favor of this low-class rent boy, you're going to regret it.

Clark's Mental Notes

Lex, Lex, you don't need to dig up some trashy blond himbo to make me jealous. Yes, I'm jealous and I deserve that slap in the face for my recent bad behavior. Happy now? He got off lightly because he's actually related to you. But the next time you bring some guy over and flaunt him in my face, I'll fucking eyegasm his eyebrows off and that's just for starters. Grrrrrrrrr.

Oh, what am I thinking? I feel terrible, I feel bad, I feel . . . Actually, I don't feel the least bit guilty. Great . . . now Pete thinks I'm nuts.

Enrique's diary

YES! YES! YES! Luthor X 3! Oh, Beloved Diary, I am so sorry. But to think that El Diablo had another Diablo-in-training out there! He is not as lovely as Master but he can kick ass. Oh, no, Enrique has wet his silkens. Now I must take a shower, change and wear a T-shirt two sizes too small.

I thought at first that Master had brought some rent boy from Metropolis to make the other Master jealous. But Master and Lucas are related . . . not that it stopped El Diablo from being interested in Master. Ah, so many bad family habits.

I heard his father was doing the bad touch thing with Lucas when they first met. Bad Diablo, bad!

I love his exercising! His sweat, it smells like an aphrodisiac. But now I feel horribly guilty because he kicked Master out of the house. But I'm sure Master will come back and kick him out. Luthor mutual ass kicking . . . Must wipe up drool. For now, however, I will appreciate his sweaty body as he hangs unto the metal bars. I shall offer him some other exercises to do.

Phil, Dominic and I all agree, 3 out of 3 minions find this third Luthor hot, hot, hot.

Maid's diary

Lucas is evil! He's pure evil! He keeps leaving the toilet seat up, throws his sweaty towels on the floor and doesn't wipe his feet when he comes into the house. Not only that he keeps shooting his, ah, protein into the swimming pool. He doesn't flush the toilet half the time! Last but not least, he's an usurper of the rightful Lord of the Manor. Also, he wears more make-up than I do. In fact, I think he gave Boss bad lipstick advice out of spite!!!

The hot steam coming from the room where he was talking with Diablo Dearest was quite scary! It's like hell if it was XXX-rated. It disturbed me deeply and I've seen Dominic in Martha Kent drag giving El Diablo's skin flute a toot. There were flames everywhere. I kept wondering where the pitchfork was.

MY REAL BOSS is now living at his honey's house and having to roughen his sweet, tender hands doing farm work! I went over there and asked if I could do all the chores for him instead. But he turned to me and smiled in a way that even outshone the Beautiful Giant's radiance, saying he wanted to prove to his future father-in-law that he was the right man for Clark. Oh, rivers of tears fell down my face at that show of true love.

I even offered the Boss my Visa card to use during his time of need but he winked at me and said that right now this was what he needed. He said that with his arm around the Beautiful Giant. What a sneaky bugger my Boss is, I thought, trying to get a honeymoon out of a bad situation.

Oh, I'm starting to cry again. Enrique probably wouldn't approve but maybe I could get a fellow staff member to serve Lucas a slice of mutant moo! I wanted to kiss Boss' hands to make them all better but I just gave him some lavender scented hand lotion so the Beautiful Giant could rub it on my Boss' hands. I think that the Beautiful Giant has a bit of a jealous streak and would be a wee upset if I tried to get some lip action on his significant other's hands. The Beautiful Giant looked so radiant that I thought that nuclear fusion would occur. And maybe it already has.

Laundry Woman's Journal

Boss Supremo is gone! And now I have all the washing machines going at full tilt with the sheets soiled by the Energizer Fuckbunny that is Enrique and his very merry men, and the Inappropriate Family Bonding that is El Diablo and mini-Diablo. I wouldn't mind quite so much but it takes forever to get rid of the smell of sulfur and brimstone from the sheets. I had to throw the sheets with scorch marks away.

After I put everything in the dryer, I decided to chat with mini-Diablo because Dustbuster was off scrubbing the bathtubs. He was playing video games. He seems like the type who enjoys games like Counter-Strike, a game where you are either terrorists or anti-terrorists. I asked him if he liked the Final Fantasy series or perhaps Tokimeki Memorial. He shook his head and said he preferred stuff like Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. He then offered to play Counter-Strike with the staff as we hadn't been properly introduced to him. To even the odds, he offered to have his team be half the size of the other team. I told him it sounded like a good idea though I asked him how he was so sure that he could beat us.

It turned out that one of his foster parents was a Chinese American woman who used to be a professional gambler named Cutey "Cool" Yin. Her parents had just arrived in the country when she had been born and when the nurse remarked that she was a "cutey," they named her that. She was scarred for life. She had taught him everything she knew about cards. By the time he had met her, however, she had given up the gambling life and decided to operate an internet cafe. Her husband was Shawn Johnson, a black ex-Marine who knew judo and how to ride a motorcycle. Mini-Diablo had played video games for hours for free at the cafe during the weekends. They were the best foster parents of the entire series he had been with and the ones he missed the most when social services just up and transferred him to another house for absolutely no reason.

It was almost as nice as one of Boss Supremo's stories I heard him telling the Beautiful Giant and just as tragic. I suddenly thought to myself that it would be nice if he could stay though Boss Supremo had to come back, of course. I had this overwhelming vision of Boss Supremo, the Beautiful Giant and mini-Diablo all in a king size bed. The Unidentified Fucking Object was nestled in a beautiful Luthor sandwich with much writhing, moaning and thrusting. Then I sighed. It would never work because the Beautiful Giant is very possessive of Boss Supremo though fortunately, he has always been amused at Dustbuster's and my acts of worshipful attention. Also Boss Supremo, for all the casual sexiness he radiates, is a believer in one true love, not one true love and a half.

Well, mini-Diablo is very lovely, especially shirtless, so I'm sure he'll find someone. Uh, hopefully, someone he's not related to. @_@

Lex's Diary

Someone keeps mailing me letters telling me I'm evil. I really find that quite puzzling. Clark gets upset whenever he sees them and eyegasms them to ash. Ah, I have the best boyfriend. Well, I do have to work on his weird, illogical bursts of anger, but then I was a rotten punk when I was his age. I just have to keep that in mind, be the mature one.

I would have stayed longer at his house but . . . I didn't want his Dad to catch us rolling in the hay. I mean I do want his blessing for the commitment ceremony and all.

I apologized for the major bump on Mr. Kent's head. I was lucky, he didn't hold what Lucas did against me. Maybe my luck is finally changing. I managed to give my father a smackdown of the highest order, found a brother who's useful if extremely shifty (well, we do share half the same genes), and spent some quality time with someone who's not perfect . . . but perfect for me.

The End