The Heroic Evil Woman or so Uncanon It Hurts

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Chloe Sullivan who decided being good sucked since she only got taken advantage of by a dumb if extremely hot boy and an evil mind-controlling mutant who wore pink. Therefore she let herself go to the dark side, OK, the very dingy gray side. Besides, villains had more interesting fashion sense and more sex. She then made herself a very kinky costume with the help of Chad, several bondage fetish stores in Metropolis and an industrial strength sewing machine. There was also hair dye and major amounts of eyeliner. Her costume consisted of black and red leather with stiletto heels, a belt that doubled as a whip and a push-up bra to distract any heroes who tried to jump on her from above. Perhaps that didn't come out quite right.

"OK, I look the part," Chloe said. "But where are my superpowers?"

Chad smiled and said, "Well, you can increase your hacking abilities and start hitting the gym. And watch lots and lots of Alias. You could also see if there's anything weird and radioactive or biologically warping you can get from your dad's workplace."

"Will you be my happy minion?"

"Sure."

Chloe looked pleased. Yes, I've got a minion. "I'll call myself Evil Woman!"

"Want a chupa-chup?" Chad said. "I got these off of Enrique." God, I enjoy watching her lick one, he thought.

After acquiring superpowers and graduating from Metropolis Univeristy, she worked as a reporter for the Inquisitor by day, and became a super villain by night. How evil was she? She was EVVIIIIILLLLL . . . E . . . ok, evil in small case and only one l. She ripped off a lot of pimps and drug lords, blackmailed tons of corporate executives, and keyed really rude people's cars. This made her very wealthy and very hated. She also, however, did beat the tar of guys who were trying to take advantage of women with her whip and an incredibly large and heavy dildo. She knew what it was like to be trod upon, which was why the women of the city mistook her for a heroine. But really, was it a mistake?

Well, anyway, she went to Lex Luthor's penthouse because she wanted to talk to another "evil" person. "Hi, Lex, I am Evil Woman. Since you're evil yourself, how about we take over the world together?"

Lex looked rather confused and rather peeved as he was just about to eat dinner. "Why does everybody say I'm evil? I'm not my father, you know." He was about to launch into his whole spiel about not being like Daddy Undearest when Chloe cracked her whip.

"Hey, you're on the Evil Overlord mailing list under both the Imperialist Capitalist and Mad Scientist subcategories!"

Lex snapped. "I've been trying to get out of their mailing lists for months. I'm not evil!" His filet mignon was getting cold and it made him cranky.

Chloe pouted "I will get revenge on you and torture you!"

Lex waved at her in an offhand and irate manner. "Everybody says that! Because they think I'm evil!" He was about to talk about how evil he wasn't and how hard it was to fight destiny when Chloe just gave him a thump on the head and knocked him unconscious.

There was a ding-dong from the door. She peered through the peephole and saw Chad. She opened the door and Chad walked over to the poor Luthor's prone body and tied him to the chair after stripping him naked. Well, actually, Chloe stripped him naked and got to pet the armadillo. Chad got all his essentials out of his backpack and checked off all the things they did in his notebook. Naturally, he wrote in code.

All the noise caused one of the servants to be curious. Enrique walked in and said, "What's going on? Oh, Chad!"

Chad smiled at Enrique and said, "We're playing a very strange bondage game. Evil Woman is the hostess this time around."

"Can I join in?"

"Sorry no, Enrique. We're the only ones in this party."

"Too bad," said Enrique.

Dominic poked his head in as well. "Oh, cool, bondage Lex."

Enrique sniffed. "It's a private party, Dommie! Lex is busy with those two."

Dominic wept, "It's always a private party when it comes to him!" Then he disappeared.

"Dommie, don't cry, Dommie!" said Enrique as he left the room as well. "Lucas and Enrique will make it all better!"

"So, Boss Lady, what do you want to do to Lex?"

"Oh, I want to force Clark to suck Lex's cock!"

Chad gave her a deer-in-the headlights look. Something is not computing in my head, he thought. "And this is bad for either of them, how?"

"Well, I've finally become very evil and this is my way of torturing them."

"Uh, OK."

"You keep an eye on Lex while I kidnap Clark."

"My pleasure," said Chad as he went into the kitchen to make popcorn for the upcoming event. She must know, right, he thought. No way she couldn't . . .

Chloe, er, Evil Woman burst into Clark's office at the Daily Planet. He was working late and everybody else had gone home. She did the usual maniacal laugh since that's what the instructions said to do in her membership package of The Evil Overlords and Goddesses of Rage association.

"Chloe?"

"I'm not Chloe. I'm Evil Woman."

"Great outfit."

"Really, it's nothing. . . No, you're not going to distract me!" She snatched the glasses off his face and ground them under her heels. " I'm here to kidnap you and torture you."

"Torture me?"

"I'm going to humiliate you and make you suck Lex Luthor's cock." Then she punched him in the stomach to knock him out. The clever boy pretended to pass out.

"Damn, so fucking heavy!" she swore as she jumped out of the building with him over her shoulder. She then dumped his ass into the trunk of her spiffy yellow car (though she had to bend him into a position that reminded one of origami in order to do so) and drove over to the penthouse. No use over-exerting one's self, she thought.

Chloe finally realized she had screwed up big time when Clark didn't look at all appalled at having to suck Lex's cock while he was tied up and naked. Lex didn't look too unpleased at having his dick in Clark's mouth.

"Hey, wait a minute, you're not supposed to enjoy it!" she said rather angrily. She kicked Clark's ass but only ended up hurting her toes. "Ow!" It was only because of her superpowers that her foot didn't shatter.

"Oh, good heavens, " said Chad, smacking his head. "You really didn't know? I think you really need to work on your Gaydar. I'll put it on a list of superpowers you really must acquire." He then took out a notebook and scribbled in it, capped his pen then sat down on the couch to watch Clark and Lex, uh, obliviously torturing each other. Chloe threw up her hands and sat next to him.

"Chad, my happy minion, what should I do now?"

After carefully chewing a kernel of popcorn, he said, "Simple. We must go to Smallville and find the real EVIL ONE. Then we tie her up, torture her, you know, fun stuff. I've even got the bright purple hair dye, hair clippers, clothes pins, the paddle, the canes, the bristly rope and the home-piercing and henna kit. The henna tattoo is temporary so we'll have to do this about every two weeks. I've even gotten a book of bad words from all over the world we can stencil on her. I've even charged the batteries for the video camera so you can experience all the fun over and over again."

"Chad, you are the best minion!" Chloe said with tears in her eyes.

"Thank you, Boss Lady," he said, winking at her with his left eye with its well-applied eyeliner. "That is, after we finish watching those two . . ."

The End.