"Ok, let's open this week's meeting," said the cook as they sat at the meeting table.

"Where's Enrique?" said the gardener.

The maid said, "He went on a personal errand for both himself and Boss Supremo."

"Oh, yes, personal," said the cook. "He went off with another hottie he met after Phil and Dominic went back to Metropolis with El Diablo. I think they're buying lube."

The laundry woman ran into the staff lounge. "Sorry, I just put the last load into the machine. I don't know what I'll do if the Beautiful Giant keeps showing up asleep in the middle of the road, in the middle of the vegetable patch, in the middle of the driveway . . . Boss takes him inside and you know what happens after that . . ."

The cook scowled. "Then I have to make early breakfast before he sneaks him home. He messed up one night and it was light before flannel boy got home. I heard there was a little stink about that."

The gardener said, "I saw the population sign yesterday. It looks like more people are moving here."

"People are actually MOVING here? Are they nuts?" snapped the cook.

"Well, either that or they're cloning themselves like that Ian fellow," said the gardener.

He walked to the local smut shop to see if he could take a peek at all the covers of the videotapes. He was surrounded by various paraphernalia. Of course, it was then that the rock decided to make him a mutant.

Meanwhile, Enrique and Heinrich came riding up to the shop in their matching Vespas. They were shocked when they saw a tentacle monster with various paraphernalia and porn videos in its tentacles jump through the window of the local sex shop. "Oh, no," cries Enrique. "Another mutant, it's sure to attack either Lana or Master."

"What should we do?" said Heinrich.

"If it attacks Lana, we wait until it's through before calling the police."

Lana happened to be walking obliviously towards the poor mutant when it took one look at her royal pinkness and started to run the other way. Lana then complained about how it abandoned her.

"Oh, no, it has taste. I have to warn Master!" cried Enrique.

Chloe happened by. "Oh, my God, did you see that?" She videotaped it running away.

"Hello, Enrique," said the cook at the mansion.

"Where's Master?"

"He's getting a massage, why?"

"Code red! A mutant's loose and it rejected Lana."

"That only means one thing. The boss is its logical target," said the cook. "I'll get everyone armed then I'll contact flannel boy." She hit the alarm bell.

The rest of the servants gathered in the lounge. "What's wrong?"

"Mutant alert. Mitch, go and tell Boss what's going on!" said the cook. The pool man ran off.

The cook went to her room and got her tranquilizer gun before trying to call Clark. The maid found a croquet mallet. The laundry woman ran into the antiques room and held a sword. The gardener came in with a machete.

The maid frowned then says, "Why is it that Smallville people don't protect themselves from mutants like we do?"

"Well, there are sane people, then there are people from Smallville," said the gardener as if he were merely reciting a zen riddle.

"After all," said the laundry lady. "Remember how the Beautiful Giant practiced his eye-gasm?"

"Oh, yeah, his dad took a bald dummy, stuck it on a big wooden pole and had Clark repeatedly set it aflame."

The gardener frowned. "I believe Mr. Kent has serious issues."

"Damn it!" snapped the cook as she hung up the phone.

"What?" said the maid.

"I tried to call flannel boy, but his dad picked up the phone. He said that Clark wasn't there but that he'd pass on the message. I tried to get him to transfer me to Mrs. Kent but he hung up on me! He probably won't bother to tell him until it's too late" She then left a message with the guys at Cadmus Labs. "A team's coming but we'll have to deal with it for a while.

"Help!" screamed the pool man. "Lex is trapped in the closet upstairs."

"Well, we all knew . . ." started the maid. "Oh, no!"

Meanwhile, Lex was hiding in the closet with Simon's tentacles banging on the door, much like a certain doctor was trying to bang down the wall around his pants. Sadly, the closet door was much more flimsy and less picky about who was doing the banging than his pants were. The door was obliterated and Simon managed to pull Lex out of the closet by his waist before the maid hit one of the tentacles full force with her croquet mallet.

"GYYYYAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed Simon as he promptly let go of Lex and brought his tentacle to his mouth to kiss to make it all better.

"EEEWWWWWW, I'm so grossed out, " yelled the cook as the laundry woman pulled Lex out of the way of the poor mutant.

Lex noticed some porn videos on the ground and noticed that most of them were drag queen porn. The gears in his head started to spin.

"Go, boss, we'll hold this one off," said the gardener.

Lex said, "Just give me five minutes. I'll be back." He then ran to another room.

Simon the mutant looked at the armed and dangerous servants and felt fear for these were people whose brains actually worked. He ran downstairs. The cook shot two tranquilizers into the tentacles on his back.

A minute went by. "Why isn't it working?" she snapped. "He should've fallen down by now."

"I think it's all that extra tissue," said the gardener. "It dilutes the effect."

Simon ended up in Lex's office where Chloe, Enrique and Heinrich were. Chloe had managed to hitch a ride with Heinrich. Thinking that the three of them were quite hot, Simon tried to wrap his tentacles around them and rip their clothes off. However, Heinrich looked at the pool table, picked up Lex's balls and threw them at Simon's head thought not in the way that Simon wanted. Simon howled with pain as they hit his head.

"I love you, Heinrich. You remind me of someone," said Enrique.

The rest of the staff came through the door. The cook sighed, "If he doesn't stop, I'm going to have to use live ammo." She pulled real shotgun cartridges from her pocket.

"No need."

Everybody looked up at the landing to see a very tall, buff yet cute redheaded woman who then lifted her skirt to reveal that she . . . isn't a she but the possessor of the magnificent `dillo.

All of Simon's tentacles go completely straight and purple. Simon then fainted from the sudden rush of blood away from his brain. The lab guys from Cadmus finally showed up in Hazmat suits.

"Ohhh, now you show up!" scolded the cook.

The lab guys shrugged and trundled the poor guy away. After they left, Clark ran into the room. "Lex, is he OK?" "I'm fine, Clark," said Lex, looking embarrassed.

Clark looked up to see Lex in drag and smiled so radiantly that everybody had to shade their eyes. "Ohhhh, you look soo . . . Wow . . . " He superspeeded up to him and swept him off his feet and ran to the nearest bedroom.

Heinrich said, "You mean there's something going on between the bald billionaire and the farm boy?"

"You're not from around here, are you?" said the laundry woman.

The cook sniffed. "The boss in drag is not sexy at all."

"I agree with you," said the gardener.

However, the rest of the staff smoked cigarettes and sighed in satisfaction while mopping their brow with handkerchiefs. Chloe didn't smoke.

Chloe sighed. "I can't use this story. It's too obscene. I'll get booted off my paper again."

Then they heard a banging on the door. A woman's voice said, "Open up! The key you gave me doesn't work."

The staff laughed because the woman was obviously insane if she thought the boss would give her a key to the house.

The End

Epilogue:

Chloe, Simon (cured after a few months), Heinrich and the entire staff become wealthier than Red!Clark's wildest dreams when their stock in Lexcorp hit the stratosphere when the penis lengthening drug Clexagra became the hottest drug on the planet..