Title: Desidero
Author: Cass Alexandra
Category: angst
Spoilers: none
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Clark/Lex, Clark/other
Summary: Sometimes you only get one chance.

The instant the words were out of his mouth, Lex knew he'd done the wrong thing. He knew it was the wrong thing when he saw the dejected look on Clark's face, and he knew it was the wrong thing when Clark stepped out of the mansion and out of his life.

Lex should have gone after him, but his own selfish impulse to examine his own feelings overrode any hope that his going after Clark would result in forgiveness.

He'd picked Clark up from school, as usual. But even that wasn't usual. Lex didn't know of any other high schoolers who were picked up by anyone like... him, anyone who wasn't the student's parent or older sibling or friend. He was Clark's friend, but his interest in Clark had always been more than friendly. It was something he'd had a hard time admitting to himself, just like he'd tried to deny the other... interest he'd had in other men over the years.

But his interest in Clark was even worse, because Clark was only sixteen. He was legal in the state of Kansas, but he was also young and confused and...

And maybe Lex was just describing himself at sixteen. So much sex with women to prove that he didn't care what men might feel like, and suddenly Clark had been so close and there was nothing he could do to stop it. No time to react, no time to do anything but realize that Clark was kissing him, voluntarily, and, wow, maybe Lex wasn't the only one who wanted this from Clark.

But he'd panicked, and Clark was gone. He'd been so worried about behaving like a Luthor that he might have just destroyed their friendship.

Lex knew he should have apologized. He should have gone after Clark that day, or shown up in the loft the next day or the next, instead of letting the guilt and frustration fester. If he'd let Clark kiss him, if he'd faced his fears instead of pushing them away, maybe there would have been more than one kiss. Maybe he would have discovered that he didn't want it anyway and his life would have been easier. Maybe he would have discovered that it was exactly what he wanted, that Clark was exactly what he wanted, and he didn't have to be afraid of that. He could be his own person.

Instead, he was a coward, without a friend in Smallville.

He wondered how Clark got home from school these days. He didn't let himself wonder if Clark missed him. Because to miss someone you had to want to be with them, and why would Clark want to be with someone who pushed him away when he'd taken probably the biggest risk of his teenage life? If Lex had been scared of his feelings for Clark, he couldn't imagine how scared Clark must have been.

To think, all the time he'd been treading on eggshells around the kid, the kid had wanted him back.

Words could have made everything so much easier.

Instead, he'd put it off, and now every time he set foot in town, he worried that he and Clark would cross paths before he had a chance to explain. He didn't know if Clark was the type to kiss and tell.

There was a lot he didn't know about Clark.

Maybe it was better left alone.

Inevitably, he had to go to the Talon. It was six days after the kiss and driving into town, it was like nothing had happened. People walked on the streets, went in and out of stores, some of them even waved when they saw Lex's car go by. Lex didn't wave back, but sometimes he forced a smile of acknowledgment. Given his role in the community, he was something of a celebrity, and no doubt they watched his every move and nuance of expression. If he let on that anything was wrong, everyone would notice.

When he walked into the Talon, Lex was relieved to notice that Clark wasn't there. Nevertheless, he was distracted during his meeting with Lana, so he wasn't surprised that she seemed agitated by the time the meeting was over.

He wondered if they'd even been productive.

Then he walked out of the office and wondered why the Talon was so quiet, even though there was plenty of business. His eyes went automatically to the area where Clark usually sat with his friends, and there they were. Chloe, Pete, and Clark.

Clark was avoiding looking at him, but Chloe and Pete were both giving him angry looks. Apparently Clark was the type to kiss and tell. Not that Lex didn't deserve it.

There was no remedy, though, so he acknowledged Chloe and Pete with a nod, and drove on home.

"Can you believe Lex?"

Chloe was furious, and Clark wished he could be. It had been so easy to vent to her and Pete, tell them exactly what had happened, when he'd been so frustrated. Pete had had a harder time understanding it, and hated Lex even more than he had before, even though Clark was the one who'd kissed Lex. Chloe, on the other hand, had just listened, and later, when she thought Clark couldn't hear her, had said something about 'this explains a lot'. Clark wasn't exactly sure what his liking Lex explained, but if Chloe thought it did, maybe it would get him off the hook for all those other unexplainables.

Clark just shrugged, wondering if he'd ever get to be alone. Chloe had good intentions sticking up for him, but it was annoying. She was about to launch into another rant, but Clark had already picked up on the sound of an engine in the driveway. And even though he didn't want to talk to Lex, it would give him a break from Chloe.

Chloe was halfway through her rant when she saw Lex coming up the stairs. After a few tense moments, Clark said he'd be okay, and Chloe stalked off with one last glare at Lex. Clark waited until she was gone before he looked at Lex.

Clark wished Lex looked as bad as he felt, but Lex looked great, as usual. Confident, nonchalant, those lips he had wanted to kiss. Lips he knew the feeling of with his own. Clark knew he was staring, but he wasn't as strong as Lex. He blushed, the humiliation of last week, Lex's reaction, this moment. He should have known Lex wasn't interested. He'd read all the signs wrong. He'd taken a stupid risk and paid the consequences.

And now he had to wonder if Lex had come here to talk about the kiss or to pretend it had never happened. Clark could do that. But either way, he wasn't about to look stupid again. He would let Lex lead the conservation. That way he couldn't possibly humiliate himself. Hopefully.

"I should have come over sooner." Lex didn't sound as confident as he looked, Clark thought with some relief. Still, he couldn't look at Lex. He nodded, waiting for the horrible silence to go away.

Lex broke the silence after too many minutes. "I didn't... expect it, Clark. No one's ever done that before. I didn't know how to react."

"You mean no guy has ever done that before." He should have known Lex would do that. Talk around the issue, make it so it was Clark's fault. How was he supposed to know that Lex was just a tease, flirting and flirting back and not meaning anything by it. Sure, it might not be Lex's fault, considering he was practically sex on legs. Lex might not even know he was doing it.

"Yes."

With that emboldening syllable, Lex walked over to stand beside the telescope, no longer looking at Clark. And Clark knew, as much as he knew anything, that Lex wasn't going to apologize. Luthors didn't. They were never wrong.

"Okay." Lex turned around then, looking at him, and Clark shrugged. "It won't happen again." Even though he still wanted Lex, he didn't want to walk on eggshells again. He'd had enough humiliation as it was. "I should probably get back to my term paper."

Lex looked down and ran a hand along the telescope. It was almost enough for Clark to take back what he'd said. But when Lex faced him again, jaw set, hands deep in his pockets, Clark knew he'd missed any chance he might have had.

Lex stayed away. He stayed away from the farm, from Clark, from the Talon unless it was absolutely necessary. His friendship with Clark had cooled down into something civil in public and longing in private. He was never alone with Clark, but he was often alone with the thought of Clark, the image of Clark, the feeling of Clark's lips for those too-brief seconds. Had he the ability to turn back time, he would have turned back to that moment time and again, just for the experience of Clark's lips; but as the fantasy grew, he didn't just relive the moment, he returned the kiss, he hauled Clark against him and they kissed until neither of them could breathe or even wanted to.

As the weeks passed, Lex wondered if he hadn't made a mistake by not pursuing the matter further. If the way Clark still looked at him sometimes was any indication, Clark still wanted him.

Lex changed techniques. He started trying to gain Clark's trust back. He helped out at the Talon whenever he could, even started showing up at the farm. Several times Clark wasn't there and he'd had to spend hours with Martha, but it was worth it for the chance that Clark would come home while he was there. Not to mention that Martha was always baking something delicious.

The summer passed quickly. Lex only knew the school year had begun when Clark was no longer there during his visits in the middle of the day. Maybe Clark hadn't deemed it an important fact to share, but Lex thought he'd made more progress than that, especially when he realized how long it had been.

He missed what they'd had before.

He missed what they could have had even more.

When he thought about the relationships he'd had with women, Lex couldn't find any motivation to pursue one again. He'd had a grand total of two disasters of relationships since he'd moved to Smallville, both with women who had wanted nothing more than to use him. He already knew from experience that Clark wouldn't use him.

He also knew that Clark wanted him, and not for his money.

Lex timed his arrival so that he was standing by the telescope when Clark climbed the stairs into the loft.

The moment of silence wasn't unexpected.

"Lex, hey. What're you doing here?"

Their friendship was still in the rebuilding phase, so Lex's presence still had to be explained. There was more that would have to be explained in a few minutes or so, but at least he didn't have to worry about Clark being offended by a kiss from a man. On the other hand, their friendship was still tentative, so it was possible that a kiss from him would offensive.

Lex considered backing off. Holding off on the kiss for another few months. But Luthors never backed down, and he'd waited far too long as it was.

"I wanted to see you." Clark wasn't paying very close attention as he dumped his school bag by the desk. That made Lex's approach (attack) a little easier. Clark was caught off guard when he realized how close Lex was. His breathing sped up and his hands clenched into fists by his sides. Clark was close enough to touch, but Lex spoke before he touched. "And... something else. Something I should have done a long time ago." Clark's head was tilted down to look at the floor, avoiding Lex's gaze, but it only made Lex's goal closer. That beautiful mouth that didn't move away as Lex moved in, pressing his lips to Clark, taking the kiss he should've taken the first time Clark offered it to him.

Clark was kissing him back. Just barely, but there was a return of interest, a leaning-in as Clark's shoulders came closer, his mouth pressed more firmly to Lex's. Relieved, Lex reached up to cup Clark's face in his hands... and found himself alone.

"I can't."

He couldn't? He could, he very well could. Clark had been kissing him for infinite seconds, he'd kissed him a lifetime ago before Lex had told him to get out. And now Clark was saying that he couldn't?

"You can't what?" Clark could certainly kiss. He was very good at it. And Lex wanted more. More of Clark's mouth, his breath, his body. He wanted Clark back.

"I can't do this. Lex, I'm..." Straight. In love with Lana. An alien. "...kind of with someone."

He'd waited too long.

Or maybe Clark was lying. An excuse because he still hadn't forgiven Lex for how he'd acted when Clark had tried to kiss him.

Whether Clark was lying or not, Lex supposed he deserved it. He'd been so intent on expectations and phobias that he hadn't given Clark a chance, just because he wasn't female. Or maybe it was because he'd never felt about anyone the way he felt about Clark. And he'd never cared so much whether the feelings were reciprocated.

"I'm sorry."

Lex looked up. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Clark, there's nothing to apologize for." He reached out to touch Clark, then thought better of it. "I should probably go."

Clark nodded, scuffing his feet. Nothing about this afternoon was going the way it was supposed to. He was supposed to kiss Clark, and Clark was supposed to kiss him back. Clark wasn't supposed to be with someone else. Clark wasn't supposed to apologize. And Clark wasn't supposed to agree when Lex suggested leaving.

"Maybe I'll stop by some time later in the week?"

Lex didn't know how he could spend time with Clark knowing that there was no chance of any of the things he'd been hoping for all summer, but he told himself that Clark's friendship was better than nothing. "Sounds good. I'll see you around, Clark."

Clark didn't look at him, and Lex didn't hope for any more as he made his way down the steps. Whoever Clark was with, it probably wouldn't last. And when it was over, Lex would be there.

Clark would be his one day.

Clark wanted to feel victorious that he'd hurt Lex the way Lex had hurt him. Did Lex even know the risk he'd taken by kissing him? It had taken agonizing months of denying the signals Lex was sending, then allowing himself to think of what they meant, and finally working up the courage to do what he'd wanted to do for long than he'd admitted wanting it: kissing Lex. All he'd gotten was rejection, and he should have been glad he'd been able to reject Lex the same way.

But any victory he felt was hollow.

He hadn't meant to hurt Lex any more than Lex had meant to hurt him. But Lex had hurt him, and it still stung.

Besides, he'd been telling the truth. He was almost relieved that he was with someone now. He hated lying almost as much as he hated not being able to be with Lex.

But... Lex wanted him back. Lex would never react that way again. If he'd kissed Lex back, if he'd gone with Lex, Lex would never have rejected him again. Except maybe in public. They'd have to keep their relationship private, but then again, the relationship he was in now was private.

Clark smiled. Maybe he didn't have Lex, but he had someone. And someone was better than no one.

Clark looked up when he heard someone coming up the stairs. Grinning, he abandoned his homework, and walked over for a kiss. "Hey."

"Hey. I just saw Lex leaving."

Clark nodded as they walked over to the couch and sat down together. "Yeah. He just wanted to ask me something." It was only partially the truth, but he didn't feel like explaining. What they had was still so new. His first gay relationship. It was kind of... weird and good at the same time. And Clark didn't want to do anything to mess it up.

"Cool."

They were still holding hands, their fingers intertwined now. "Just get out of practice?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, sorry I couldn't be there."

They went back and forth, talking about mundane things, moving closer until they were making out. An hour and two orgasms later, they lay tangled on the sofa, trying to catch their breaths.

"Clark?" Doug took his hand, tracing Clark's fingers with his own.

"Yeah?" Clark's eyes were closed, basking in the feeling of being skin-to-skin with another person. Doug seemed to hesitate, but when he spoke, his voice was steady.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?"

It was a long time before Clark answered. It wasn't something he had to think about, but he pretended to, for Doug's benefit.

Admitting it was harder than he'd expected.

"Yeah."

Author's Note: Desidero, according to my sources, is Latin for 'to long for, to wish for greatly, to miss'. Please email if you are aware that this is incorrect.