Nightmares

Trembling and sweat soaked Clark lies on his back staring at his ceiling. He has been back in his own body for two weeks. He should feel strong, invincible... except to the green meteor rocks... but he doesn't. He feels weak and scared and empty.

He remembers the instinctive flinch when Lex embraced him. His mind knew the relief that Lex felt once he was sure that Clark was indeed Clark and not his father wrapped in the body of his best friend. His mind knew that Lex may do and be many things that Clark may not approve of, but he would never hurt him that way. Clark knew these things... but his body still stiffened at the contact, his heart still beat frantically every time someone touched him, his mind flashed back to when they... NO! He won't think about it again.

Jumping up he rushes outside into the cool night air. He doesn't like being inside so much anymore and even the presence of his parents don't make him feel safe like they used to. His parents. They knew something bad had happened to him, but he refused to speak about it. If he had his way, he wouldn't even think about it. Now if he could just convince himself that he was safe then maybe he could stop dreaming about it.

He knew why he didn't feel safe... they did not realize that it wasn't him. How could his parents, the people who had raised him, loved him, who were supposed to know him believe that Lionel was him? It had took him several minutes and a hastily told story that only he could have known to convince his mother. His mother! Even though he was grateful at the time... now he was filled with a feeling of betrayal... His mother, his father, his friends... nobody had doubted... even for a moment that Clark was not in fact Clark. Only Lex figured it out.

Lex, who tried so hard to not be his father... yet still used some of the same tatics to get what he wanted. Lex, who was raised by the most sadistic, selfish, cruel man Clark had ever met. Lex, who begged Clark's forgiveness. Lex, who begged Clark to not give up on him. Lex, to whom Clark owed far more than Lex knew. Contrary to how he acted, Clark understood Lex's desire... no need to know about the meteors and about Clark. Lex had been hurt and betrayed so many times in his life that it made sense he needed data, hard facts, to help him believe. Feelings were easily manipulated and trust hard to grant when you know that the person you trust lies to you constantly... and lies badly.

If only he wasn't such a freak...
If only he wasn't so afraid...
If only he wasn't so alone...
If only...

...but he was.